Diving into the deep end

Sixty seconds!

That’s how long I held my breath under water as a newly minted 12-year-old while celebrating the milestone birthday with a large passel of close-knit companions at Veterans Memorial Swimming Pool in Ewing Park during the dog days of summer.

Immediately after diving into the deep end of the ginormous cement pond, I triumphantly tapped the giant metal grate situated at its base with the palm of my hand before observing scores of other youngsters splashing around on top of the water with muted voices above my head.

The chorus of boisterous conversations grew louder as I slowly ascended to the surface while depriving myself of oxygen in an attempt to declare victory in an underwater breathing competition over my worthy opponents; after which the noise level reached its highest intensity upon exploding from the lukewarm liquid to breathe in some fresh air.

“You have the best record of the day,” declared Christopher “Chris” Honneffer as he hastily glanced at his stopwatch. “Following your graceful swan dive into the water, it was an entire minute until you came back to the top like a bottle rocket on the Fourth of July; so, this is definitely your day in more ways than one.”

“Look who’s at the top of the leader board,” interjected Dirk Arkwright prior to picking me up over his shoulder and racing back to the picnic table. “It’s a good thing today’s your birthday, or I might have to challenge you to a rematch; but I’ll get my revenge by spanking this tiny hiney with a dozen free smacks.”

Upon arriving at the picnic area directly across from the deck house on the opposite side of the community swimming pool, I was serenaded by the invited party guests with a humorous rendition of the usual tune involving a monkey before running around the table in an effort to avoid receiving twelve whacks across my hindquarters at the ultimate birthday pool party.

Of course, this birthday boy’s mission was a complete failure as evidenced by the constant rubbing of one tender derrière while devouring a scrumptious cheeseburger with a side of potato chips and a generous slice of double layer chocolate birthday cake.

“In case anyone forgot,” proclaimed James “Jimmy” Bubb, Jr. after wrapping an arm around me for one of his gentle sideways shoulder hugs. “We’ll have to draw straws to see who gets to take another crack at those plump melons on Marcus Welby, M.D.; because this pint-sized motormouth definitely needs ‘one to grow on’ for the coming year.”

“I think that distinct honor should be all mine,” teased Daniel “Dan” Allen upon giving an enthusiastic demonstration of his unique swatting capabilities. “After all, I’m the oldest one sitting at this table with the exception of the good doctor’s parents; so, who better to give an extra forceful wallop then the one with the heaviest swing.”

Considering I already have one crack on my backside, I don’t think any of you need to try and give me another one.

Sounds like a dare to me!

Not long after inhaling the celebratory meal, which was given in my honor, the conversation quickly shifted to those daredevils who were brave enough to jump from the high dive as we sauntered around the kid-friendly splash zone toward the building covered in stone cladding veneer to relieve ourselves before heading back into the water.

Who among us has the intestinal fortitude to become a would-be cliff diver?

“None of you little fellas wanna test your courage,” quizzed Richard “Ricky” Honneffer, Jr. while looking at the nervous pack of elementary students. “Because it’s no different than jumping off the wall down by the Connoquenessing Creek; and I witnessed my little brother taking a flying leap from there just last weekend.”

It’s high time that I make a big splash!

“I’m coming Elizabeth,” snickered David “Huck” Allen clutching at his chest to fake a heart attack just like the main character on the television sitcom Sanford and Son. “I must be having a myocardial infraction since the minister’s youngest son is finally going to take a leap of faith and join the boys in the big leagues; or maybe I just need to clean the beeswax out of my ears.”

While I was taking a leak at the kiddie urinals, the oldest of the bunch thought it would funny to sneak in that “one to grown on” crack against my buttocks; however, I swiftly turned to “accidentally on purpose” tinkle all over his legs and feet.

Who’s laughing now!

Shortly after taking care of business inside the restroom facilities over at the deck house, the Streckeisen brothers and James “Jimmy” Allen parked their collective keisters along the water’s edge to watch the high-wire act while several rambunctious teenagers – along with these rising seventh graders – began climbing the ladder to the high dive.

When this fraidy cat finally made it to the top of the diving board, he completely froze like the Statue of Liberty unable to move his feet before asking his self-appointed guardian angel to force everyone behind them to get off the ladder; so, he could climb back down.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” queried the soon-to-be Riverside high schooler with utter astonishment when wrapping an arm around my midsection to help guide me back to safety. “Since you inadvertently took a whiz on Dan in the restroom, I don’t need anything coming out your back end; so, you better not add any sausages to the lemonade stew.”

Meanwhile, a couple of sneaky mischief-makers slipped by the admission booth at the entrance to the deck house while cautiously slithering their way up the enclosed staircase to the balcony overlooking the Olympic-size swimming pool; whereupon they set off a bundle of firecrackers that sent the employees on a wild goose chase in search of the culprits.

As my knight in shining armor and I reached the bottom of the ladder amid the impromptu fireworks display, the prime suspects, in the midst of their felonious act, rushed to a pair of bicycles parked along the fence line for a clean getaway.

There was something vaguely familiar about those would-be hooligans – of course, it was the “bathroom boys” from the theater at Lincoln Junior-Senior High School.